Friendships...highs and lows!

I feel like a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment.  Despite everything good that has happened recently, I feel a bit down.  My friends are everything to me and when things are not exactly as they should be, I worry.


Firstly, some of my CF (Cystic Fibrosis) friends are very unwell and always on my mind.  To name a few - Jodie Wheeler-Bennett, Kim Moult and Kimmy Kneil....I hate to hear about my friends struggling and I feel completely helpless.  As a nurse, I have this overwhelming desire to help them and I find it so frustrating that I cannot, it doesn't matter how hard I try and how much I want them to feel better, there is nothing I can do!  I cannot make them better like I can with my patients!  As much as I care about my patients, I don't know them very well but I can help them and make them better, I know my friends well and would do anything I could but I still cannot help them be able to breathe!  I love that my friends feel that they can text me whenever they want, day or night and they know I will always listen....but that is all I can do....I just want to cry, be able to run and hug them and tell that everything will be alright!.  I have had dreams recently that I will get that wonderful text or phone call saying that Kimmy has got the call for her new lungs....I know it will come, I just so hope it is sooner rather than later so she can stop struggling and not have to think about breathing!


The other thing is that I will never completely understand human nature!  Very recently I have noticed that some friendships are not quite what they once were and some people have deleted me from facebook!  Now, I am 95% sure that I have done nothing to offend or upset these people but I have no idea why things have changed.... I often wish I wasn't such a sensitive person as things like this, as unimportant as they may seem, upset me!  I wish people would just say whatever is on their mind.....the thought of me having done something to upset someone absolutely devastates me as it is the last thing I would ever want to do!


Babies....I have blogged before about the fact that Kevin and I cannot have children.  As much as we have dealt with this and have accepted this, I do have bad days.  A lot of my friends have had wonderful news recently, like finding out they are pregnant after long struggles with their CF, or others that have successfully had their babies!  Any labour, I have been told, is difficult but for a CF woman....the strength and will power of these ladies just amazes me....to put themselves through risks and intense pain in their poorly lungs to allow them to give new life is quite something!  I get quite emotional for them as I know how much of a struggle the pregnancy has been!  My facebook newsfeed is full of pictures of babies from so many different friends at the moment.  Don't get me wrong, I am so, so happy for my friends that have had such lovely news, babies are such precious gifts but of course it pulls at my heart strings a bit.  I think it is quite natural.  Children were never a high priority to Kevin and I and most of the time, I am fine and happy and love babies!  I think every woman will understand that some days will be tough knowing you will never bear your own child or look into your own babies eyes as it shows completely innocence and dependence on you!  How anyone can ever hurt a baby or child is completely beyond me and I know it is something I will never understand!


It is quite interesting how as some friendships change and disappear, others get stronger and fuller!  I am very happy to say that I have a very special friend back in my life after 2 years.  Gemma and I were best friends all the way through school and she was the only person I properly confided in when things were difficult for me at home!  The reasons are no longer relevant but we had a series of arguments in 2009 and ended up losing touch!  This broke my heart and unfortunately, we were both stubborn!  Before Christmas last year, Gemma and I got back in touch....at first things were a little awkward but we have seen each other a few times since then.  Sunday, Kevin and I went to hers.  I had finished nights that morning so was pretty chilled and relaxed and all of a sudden, things were just like they were 10 years ago!  We were laughing, joking, hula hooping, sharing some wine, playing with her mums new puppy....and generally catching up!  It didn't feel at all like 2 years had gone by!  It was such a lovely day, it really felt like we turned a corner and our friendship is getting back on track!


We began reminiscing about our school days.  We used to go to Nanny's house and sing.....Gemma is an amazing singer and I am not bad but do it for enjoyment rather than talent.  Many moons ago, we would put on Whitney Houston and Shania Twain and various other karaoke tracks and just sing...!  We had so much fun!  It got me thinking about Nanny!  Her and Gemma got along well and as Gemma said she would have 'banged our heads together' if she knew about the last few years!  I know she would be happy that we have sorted things out!  I cannot believe its nearly 18 years since we first became friends.....oh how things have changed since then eh Gem?!

Gemma and I in 2005!!

I am so grateful for my friends and family!  They have seen me through some of the toughest days of my life, they know me and love me for who I am!  I know that I have not changed with recent happiness...my true friends are so happy and supportive and know what it means to be achieving a few more life goals!  I suppose it is true what people say, that true friends will stand by you no matter where your life leads, through good and bad and will love you no matter how much your life changes. 


I am still the same old, bubbly, cuddly Angie who is actually a lot more sensitive than you might have thought! :) xxx