A letter I found, written July 2009, just a few months after I walked out of my parents house...
"Dear Nanny,
You probably have no idea how my life has changed since you died...died! Died - that word never bothered me before, I took pride in my work being a Palliative Care Nurse! But since then, those words -'died' and 'death' came into my world and became my reality, they feel completely different! You were the first person I ever lost and I never realised how much it hurts, I miss you more and more everyday and I thought it was supposed to get easier over time?
I don't know how much you saw of past events but I know you always knew Dad and I had problems, him with his temper and me with my anxiety. Well, after you died things got a lot worse, maybe he was stressed but for whatever reason, I bore the brunt of his temper and frustrations. You knew I was never any good at defending myself, especially in a physical situation like school bullies and even more especially, against Dad! He was the one person in my life I never could stand up to!
Well, at 25, after another night of very loud arguments and violence, I really couldn't take anymore. Walking away was probably the saddest thing for Dad but the best thing I ever did. I didn't do it to hurt anyone or get any kind of revenge...but to try and preserve that last piece of sanity I had left! Looking back, I know how desperate I was to get out and that is why I know I never could, never would go back!
But on a good note, however painful it was that day and for the following months...that day was the beginning of the rest of my life...!"
What I wrote today:
"Dear Nanny,
Wow I was in a really bad place when I wrote to you last. I was so devastated when you died and still being with Mum and Dad then, I wasn't allowed to grieve so I suppose I didn't really grieve for you and begin to celebrate your life until I was away from them! At the time, I couldn't see how I would ever come to terms with you not being around but now, over 3 years later, I know it was your time....I now know that while you were still alive, I never would have left the family home as we both know that dad would have stopped my relationship with you and I couldn't jeopardise that, after you died, there was no reason for me to stay!
I don't even know where to begin to tell you about my life now...I never ever imagined I could be this happy. I am married now to the most amazing man ever, my best friend, my lover, my saviour, my hero! I so wish you and Kevin could have met, I know you would have got on well and I know you'd have approved of him! I know though, he knows you very well through me!
Your memory is still very much alive in my life, I talk about you constantly to Kevin and all my in-laws, to my friends and even my patients! I even met a patient who knew of you from reading 'The Lady', lets face it, Dzielski is not a name that is easily forgotten! It cheered me greatly to know that you're not only alive in my memory but that other people, people who never met you, remember you too for your wonderful talent for writing! You will be pleased to know that I have got back into writing as you always did encourage, this whole blog has been influenced by you!
I know we always spoke openly and only we knew about the incredibly close relationship we shared but I never really knew until these last few months how much you really meant/mean to me! As my life has got stable and happy, there is so much in my life that can be attributed to you! You were the strongest, most influential person in my life! Now my lovely husband has taken over that role and again, that is why I know you would just love him!
I think it is quite sad, that on our beautiful wedding day, I didn't think of mum and dad once....I thought I would, I thought them not being there would bother me, but the whole day was so magical that they didn't enter my mind, you did though! I carried this photo of you and I with me as my 'something old' and I knew you were very much there with me, as you always are!
I could go on and on writing to you but the main thing I wanted you to know is that I am happy, so happy, unbelievably so! I always knew you knew I was never completely happy, well I am now. My life is sorted and stable and ordinary....I use the word 'ordinary' because for so long, I was the girl with the 'weird family', well now, I am the girl who everyone calls bubbly, happy, giddy, people who know me know I have been on a journey and know that I am so happy to be out the other side....and everyone knows how much you feature in my everyday life!
I know you will also be glad that I am back in touch with Mum's Dad (Nanny Joyce sadly passed last year) and Lin and the girls, I know how frustrated you were by the whole argument. I never saw it as your fault and it all worked out in the end....!
You were an amazing woman - one in a million! I think about you everyday and will endeavour to keep your memory alive! I love you! Sleep tight beautiful Nanny Bess! xxxxx
I love these pics I found of you in your house, I can see why people say I look like you - you were 25 here, almost same age as I am now! Those 'big brown eyes!' :D Thank you for them :)
We buried your ashes in the grounds of Holy Redeemer, where you were the proud Church Warden for 60 odd years of your life.xxxx
In the words of Vera Lynn, who you loved, I'll be seeing you Nanny, with lots of love xxxxx"
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