The wound heals but the scar remains...

Looking back at my blog, I realised I had left out what was quite a big chapter in my life...


I was born with a 'clicky hip', from what I gather, many babies are and its not a problem.  I didn't need a brace or any treatment and my parents were told it was quite normal.  As I grew up and started to get into my early teens, my hip started to make a loud 'clunking' noise as I walked.  It didn't hurt but we started to think that it needed checking out.  My mum took me to the GP who didn't seem concerned but as time went by, the 'clunking' got louder and more frequent, making the noise with every step I took!


So, we went back to the GP and insisted I got referred to a Paediatric Orthopaedic Surgeon to get it checked out.  I got X-rays galore and everything came back fine with my bone structure.  They soon realised that I still had this 'clicky hip' and the clunking noise was my tight tendon snapping over my hip joint as I walked!  Since it wasn't causing me pain, they were not concerned and made no treatment plan, despite me asking if it was going to get worse and tighter as I grew which is what had seemed to be happening...they said not.  I also worried that if my tendon was snapping over my hip every time I walked, was it not going to get worn more quickly and cause more problems in the future?  Again, they said no!


Well, years past and my hip continued to crack loudly, so much so that during my training, people would comment on it during the quieter night shifts.  I became known as the 'clunk, click' girl!  Many years previously I had broken my big toe and that now clicked with every step!  So in the wee small hours of a night shift, it was quite comical walking down a corridor and all that could be heard was 'clunk, click' from my hip and toe, it was almost musical and when tiredness and hysteria set in during nights, we would often end up in fits of laughter at my musical bones!


However, as funny as it was, I had started to get pain with it, especially in the colder months so I went back to the GP again.  I would now no longer be under the Paediatricians so thought being referred to an adult team would make a difference?  I got referred to an Orthopaedic Surgeon who advised that there wasn't really much that could be done and my best option was to just live with it and take painkillers as necessary.  I went along with that and in 2005, I was waiting for another appointment with the surgeon for a check up.  I had been getting more pain as I progressed in my training , being busy on my feet on emergency surgery.  This worried me as I was coming to the end of my training and had my job secured on F6 so things were not going to get easier for my hip...so I wanted to talk about going ahead with the surgery!


Well, in February 2006, I was out in the garden playing with the dogs and slipped on the icy decking landing on my hip!  I was OK, got up and thought I was fine, just a little bruised.  The next few days and weeks told a different story as my hip seized up and eventually I couldn't move.  All of a sudden, I was confined to my bed as any attempt at walking left me in agonising pain. Many times, the GP was called out to the home but nothing useful was done, just a variety of morphine based painkillers which didn't touch my pain, just caused me endless sickness and a zombie state as I couldn't keep my eyes open!  


My 22nd birthday, my first after I had qualified as a nurse, was spent in bed all day with my head over a sick bowl as I waited for my 'emergency surgery' on my hip!  I spent months in my bed unable to move and hated relying on my parents to help me with daily activities such as getting to the bathroom.  With my father as he was, I had no visitors as he intimidated people so much.  My days were spent either sleeping, crying or watching DVD's in bed.  I was incredibly lonely as these were the days that I realised how unnatural and sad my life was...any small amount of control that I did have over my life had been taken away!  As if I didn't already feel vulnerable enough...!


I phoned the hospital everyday to try and get a date for my surgery and eventually got offered a cancellation slot in June.  I got admitted to the West Suffolk on 6/6/06! Hhmmm a little spooky!  The next morning I went for surgery to try and get me walking again!  I was terrified but relieved at the same time, the pain I had been in couldn't get any worse but I also knew my case was unusual and I didn't know what to expect.


Hours later I woke up in Recovery with the shakes.  The pain was terrible, in my confused state I kept trying to put my hand on my hip and then panicked at the blood.  With my body shaking uncontrollably, my hip had begun bleeding and then I had to go through the pain barrier as I had to lay on my side as the nurse re-dressed my wound!  I was soon set up on a PCA - a pump that would allow me to self administer Morphine every 5 minutes.  Eventually my pain subsided!  Being so small built, I was very sensitive to Morphine and soon fell asleep again.  The next time I woke up, I was back on the ward!


The next few days were difficult as I started to walk with the Physio's...we had to overcome quite a few hurdles as my wound kept bleeding and I kept fainting every time I stood up.  My wound was a lot longer than I thought it would be - about 10 inches down the side of my leg!  When I spoke to the surgeon he did say that my tendon was very tight and had got stuck the wrong side of my hip joint which is why it had caused so much pain.  He actually said that my hip was in a bad way and I should have been operated on sooner....hhmmm d'ya think?!!! This is how he explained the operation to me - take an elastic band, nice and stretchy, put a load of cuts in it and its still an elastic band but with no elasticity....that's what he did to my tendon!


Recovery went well eventually and I soon got back on my feet.  My hip will never be the same again, even today there are lots of things I cant do like sleep on my right side or sit in the same position for too long or put any weight when standing through it as there is no tension in it, but hey, I can walk, work long hours and dance again...so all good!  


Having gone through the pain and surgery I did, I now feel I can relate to my patients who come in for hip replacements.  I can explain what the scar will be like...although having a long scar down the side of your leg is somewhat different for a 22 year old and an elderly patient having a hip replacement!  Now, I am even working with the Orthopaedic Surgeon who did my surgery and I reminded him who I was a few weeks ago.  Although he didn't remember me as a patient, he did say that my surgery is hardly ever done unless in dire circumstances!


It was so lovely to be fully recovered!  At some points, I was feeling very negative and wondered if I would walk again!  To go from not being able to get out of bed at all, to being back at work and eventually back to dancing where many years later, I met my lovely husband Kev is amazing!



Looking back makes me think of an old song by Poison...Every Rose has its Thorn and the line in it that goes "like a knife that cuts you, the wound heals but the scar, that scar remains!"  I am so much better now but the memory of those long, horrible months confined to my bed in pain will never leave me.  


In a way, those lyrics are also a perfect analogy for my troubled upbringing and my life now.  My physical signs - 'my wounds' healed quickly after I left but the scars and psychological effects will always be in my memory.  Counselling made things so much better for me, my daily life now is perfect and I am much better at dealing with the past....the scars will fade but never completely disappear like the one on my hip!  In a way, I think it is good to remember, to not see things through rose-tinted glasses, to move forwards but never ever forget the things we have been through to get us to where we are now.  Everything happens for a reason, I believe in fate and destiny and that is what bought me to where I am now! :)