Fear of loss...'

All through my life, my Nanny Bess was my best friend,  she was the only member of my family who really understood me.  I have so many wonderful memories of all the times we spent together when I was small...like feeding squirrels in Greenwich Park, making books of our adventures, watching endless hours of "Anne of Green Gables" and the "Darling Buds of May" to name just a few.  She was my world, I spoke to her about everything - we would sit and talk for hours when I got to her house after school until my mum picked me up.  They were my favourite times, just the two of us!

We had a kind of unspoken honesty between us.  People who know me well, will know what I mean when I say I had a troubled childhood, many aspects were very difficult for me, my father was not a very nice man.  The problem though was that my father was her son.  Even though I didn't openly talk to her about things that bothered me, she knew everything without me saying a word.  But she knew I didn't want her to do anything -  the time to take drastic action had to be right!  So with that unspoken agreement, I could speak to her in code and knew she would always keep my deepest, darkest secrets...no matter what her opinion was!  So that is why she was best friend.

Well, in 1996, I experienced the first ever feeling of 'fear of loss'.  Nanny was admitted to Queen Mary's Hospital, Kent for elective surgery to remove some polyps in her bowel.  She was supposed to be in and out within a week.......but things didn't quite turn out that way.  Some of this account may be a little sketchy, I was only 11 and was pretty confused so my memory has faded a bit.  I am not exactly sure what went wrong but all of a sudden my Mum started to keep us off of school as Nanny was moved to ITU.  Amongst everything else, she had caught MRSA and Septicaemia and had gone into multi organ failure.  I remember how scary this time was and I still have the diary entries I wrote at the time.  She was ventilated, had drips, drains, a colostomy, catheter, central line and she was fighting for her life.  I was so interested in everything and would sit and talk to the nurses who I came to admire so much for everything they were doing.  I followed their advise and started talking to Nanny in the hope she could hear me.  I read "The Wind in the Willows" to her, that book was very dear to our hearts as she had taught me to read with it.  One day we we were all called in and were told to say our goodbyes, she had less than 5% chance of survival....I just didn't know what to do,...I couldn't face the thought of losing her....I knew it wasn't her time.  She used to talk for hours about her excitement of watching me grow up and choosing my career, I just knew she wouldn't die but I was also so scared.  I so much wanted her to come round so I could tell her how much she meant to me!

Well, miraculously after a 6 month stay in hospital, Nanny was discharged.  She came back to our house which made me very happy!  She got stronger and stronger and after a few months, she went home.  I was so proud of her.  During all of that time, I had so many emotions all over me, I knew I couldn't cope without her, I was too young.  Its very interesting the things that Nanny remembers from that time, like me reading to her and when she asked for me to come and talk to her - upsetting my sister, and learning to talk again after having a Tracheostomy.  She hated being in the hoist and I remember her saying how she felt like 'a slab of meat', that comment always stayed with me.

This was the time I realised I wanted to be a nurse!  I was so fascinated by all the care Nanny received and how they made her better!  I asked so many questions and  I still remember most of the conversations with the nurses and remember sitting in that waiting room thinking 'I want to do that, to make people better like that, to help people when they are at their most vulnerable.'  And that made up my mind.  I discussed it with Nanny and she was touched and encouraged me every step of the way.  From that moment on, I planned my life with my ultimate goal of being a nurse!