Goodbye lovely Nanny.

Well life ticked along in much the same way.  I regularly took some leave from work to go to Kent to see Nanny.  They were just like old times, just the two of us talking for hours watching our favourite films.  I even used to snuggle on her lap for a cuddle as she always said "Ange, you're never too big to hug little ole Nanny!"  by then I towered over her - which is quite an achievement for my 5ft 1 :)


Nanny was such a fiercely independent woman and with me working long hours, we often wouldn't talk for a week, but there was nothing wrong with that.  I had a nagging in the back of my mind that she was getting old and frail and i worried about her being in Kent on her own....but she would never have it any other way.


One day I was at work and got told I had a phone from my Dad - this always made me nervous as I never knew what whats was going to come out of it - I was a nervous wreck around him by then.  Well, he said, they had just had Norfolk Police on the doorstep who had been sent round by Kent Police.....as soon as I heard 'Kent'  I panicked!  No, no, no, not my Nanny!  I tried to calm down so I could actually hear what he was saying.  I am sure some of my F6 colleagues would remember how distraught I was...they knew how highly I thought of my nanny!


Nanny had been found by the Police at the bottom of her stairs.  Her Church friends had got suspicious when she didn't arrive at Church on Sunday - unheard of for my dedicated Church Warden Nanny.  It turns out she had fallen down the stairs and had been laying there for 3 days!  The only thing that kept her alive was the warmth from the heater she fell next to.  I was devastated!!!  She was rushed into Queen Mary's again and was in 'resus' at that point.  I came home from work straight away and got on our way down to Kent.


We got down there and she was battered and bruised and looking defeated!  She had a big cut on her forehead which indicated she must have fallen forwards so I was thankful she didn't break her neck.  Miraculously she didn't break any bones.  Her Hb (level of blood) was only 3 (for a woman 10-12) is normal) so she was critically ill.  She was given 6 units of blood and eventually stabilised.


I still have mental images of when we had to go to her house.  I tried to keep my practical nurse head on but this was my Nanny - what I saw was heartbreaking.  There was blood covering the bottom 8 stairs as well as a big pool where she must have laid.  The commode must have been upturned when she fell which must have been full.  As we opened the door, we were hit with the stench of stale blood and urine.  The glass of water was still placed on the stairs where she would have put it to grip the banister as she turned the awkward corner of her staircase.  Her bed unmade but the curtains drawn....if only she had left them drawn, a neighbour might have noticed sooner?  I was full of 'what ifs' and guilt.  I couldn't shake the thought of her laying helplessly at the bottom of her stairs, blood pouring from her head.  She was a fighter, again she wasn't ready!


Over the next few months, I regularly drove down to Kent (alone) to see Nanny with my friend Gemma who had known Nanny for years while we were at school.  I know Gemma still has the fond memory of us walking in and Nanny looking up and asking us to 'put some cream of my bum will you?'  Nanny never said 'bum' and it did make us giggle.  As much as she was now stable and having some physio to get strong again, I just knew she wasn't going to get over this...not long term anyway.  The nurses assured me she was doing well, but I was a nurse too with lots of experience and she was my Nanny, I knew she wasn't getting getting back to normal.  I tried to subtlety warn my parents and sister telling them I was talking of my own nursing experience, they chose to ignore my warnings.


After a 2 month admission, they said Nanny was fit for discharge even though I disagreed, she was not fit to be sent home living alone.  But it didn't matter how much I protested, they got Nanny ready for discharge.  I drove down with my father to meet the ambulance when it got to her house.  Almost immediately I knew I couldn't leave her alone.  She was very confused and was very angry with her lack of independence.  She couldn't get up and use the commode on her own...she had some accidents...which I helped with but knew that upset her even more, she cried and said "you're my little granddaughter, you shouldn't be helping use the toilet!"  Anyway, within a few hours, I rang the hospital and demanded she get readmitted.  There was no way she was safe to be home alone.  She was to be readmitted the next day but we had the night to get through.  The Occupational Therapists had moved her spare bed downstairs to the living room so she slept there and I slept on the sofa so I could stay with her....my father slept soundly in the double bed upstairs!


As much as that night was very painful for me, we had some nice cuddles and a chat when she was more lucid.  One minute I was putting her back to bed, she was crawling around the bed in confusion, I felt so helpless.  When I burst into tears, she came back, she was Nanny again - she stroked my face and told me I had made her so proud and how much she loved me.  We had a lovely tender hug but I couldn't help feeling she was saying goodbye to me.  I will always have that moment....just us!


Nanny was taken back to the hospital the next day and went into A&E to wait for a bed.  She insisted we went home as I was working the next day.  As we left, I heard her say "does anyone have a newspaper?"  Nanny was a great lover of her daily newspaper and would sit and read it for hours each morning.....little did I know, these were to be the last words I would ever hear her say....and she had made me smile!


Well Nanny seemed to be doing OK back in hospital, we had decided to look for a Nursing Home for her, although I knew she would hate the idea.  I wanted her to live with us!


Then one day, I was at work and got another phone call from my father...my heart in my mouth, I worried about Nanny.  He had she had been having seizures and been phoned by the hospital.  I was told she was stable, was going for CT scans etc but I wanted to get down there.  In my experience, if I phone relatives to update on a patients worsening condition, that means 'make your way here - just in case'  I always phone relatives too early so they have time to make choices.  My father wouldn't make a decision and after a few more phone calls, I knew I wasn't concentrating at work and needed to be home so I left.  I remember as I left my hospital and walked to me car, I rang Gemma in tears " I know this is it!"  I was terrified.  It was bank holiday weekend in August and as suspected, it took me an hour to get home and then we hit a ton of traffic on the M25.


I still remember driving down the M25 and at the side of the road was a sign saying "END" - there were no roadworks or anything and I got a cold shiver....I just knew Nanny was already gone, it was 4.30pm.  We got to the ward and were shown into a room which confirmed it further for me and I burst into tears....my father asked why I was crying and I just replied "she's already gone!"  he said they probably just wanted to talk to us before seeing her....but I knew!  When the Sister came to talk to us, she confirmed my worst thoughts - Nanny had died at 4.30pm on 22nd August 2008 - the same time I saw the sign. I don't quite know what to make of that!


I was devastated.  She was my only ally, what would I do without her?!  I was sad that I never got to say goodbye but knowing Nanny as I did, I am sure she wouldn't have wanted me to see her alive like that.  I think she was ready....but that didn't make it any easier.


Always on my mind Nanny xxxx