Taking control of my life :)

Well a few days later, I knew I couldn't hide away from everyone forever so we sat up until 3am to turn my phone on as I knew at that time of the day, people I didn't want to hear from as soon as my phone was turned on, would not be up!  As suspected I got a barrage of voicemails and texts from both parents demanding to know where I was.  The sad thing is that I must have had 25 plus messages but not one showed any remorse, regret, concern or apology over my disappearance.  Their behaviour didnt even shock me anymore.


I kept hearing from my Ward Manager who was constantly getting aggressive phone calls from my father who was asking her to pass on messages.  I had a very good relationship with my manager and I hated the thought of him being horrible to her.  I decided to set up an email account purely for him to have his say....and then the account would be deleted.  I didn't want F6 being used as a 'go-between' especially with it being such a busy ward!


I exchanged a few emails with my father.  Over email I was not scared and told him a few home truths he so desperately needed to hear....like his own daughter was terrified of him.  I know this would have cut to the core even though I knew I wasn't telling him something he didn't already know, he just needed to hear it from me!  I made it clear I would never be back but all they were interested in was getting my stuff out of their house, this is one of the emails I received:

"I dont suppose you are going to give us any reason for your behaviour or why you felt you needed to put us through all this upset.

All we ever wanted was to end this like reasonable adults, help you move out and try to stay on semi friendly terms.  But Gayle (my ward manager) has told us you want nothing more to do with us and will not collect your belongings unless we are gone.

So here it is.  The contents of your room are packed up into 2 suitcases and 20 bin bags. This will not all go in your car.  These are in the porch and you will need to collect them between 1.30 and 4.30 on Tuesday as you seem so worried about meeting either of us.

When you have collected this lot, lock the porch and put your house keys through the letter box.  The locks on the house have been changed so you cannot upset Charlie anymore - he is upset enough."

So you can see, trying to get my father to admit he ever did anything wrong towards me was like banging my head  on a brick wall - why I put them through all this upset???!!!

Anyway, as you can see, we needed to collect my belongings.  I did consider not bothering but I couldn't afford to buy my whole life all over again.....having to go back to that house was incredibly scary.  I didn't trust my father at all, I felt sure we were being set up.  But we went and loaded up Kevin's car as quickly as possible, my heart  was pounding being back there again and as we drove away again....I knew I would never ever go back or see my parents again.  This is the scene when we got home, yep all my belongings had indeed been thrown into bin bags!

I wasn't surprised by the lack of respect they showed my belongings but what hurt the most was that they had deliberately kept things they knew would mean a lot to me....like photographs of Nanny and I and a stack of letters I had between Nanny and I since I was small...I got none of that back.  Unbelievably, I didn't get a lot of my clothes back either but I know they were given to me sister...I find that quite sad.  I never was a materialistic girl but this taught me that belongings had no meaning...my father tried hard by not giving me back my letters from Nanny but he couldn't touch my memories....Nanny and I had a stronger, closer relationship than they will ever understand and keeping my possessions did nothing to alter my memories of her, it just made me think even less of him!  When you start life all over again, a few missing clothes means nothing, possessions can be bought again!

During the email conversation, it started to become clear my father never was going to change....he thought me walking away was temporary!  This is the final email I sent him:

" I am off sick as I am constantly having nightmares and not managing to get any sleep, I will be fine eventually.  I just need to focus on the future and not the past. 

I am sorry to say that I think you misunderstood me, this whole upset is not solely about that wednesday night but many past wrongs - and no I am not bearing grudges but I cannot help that I am scared of you, and I told you that after I walked away in January - you looked me in the eye and said you would not let your temper get the better of you again.......but it did.....and now I dont think I can ever not be scared of you.

I know you said that when I walked out in January, I did it for drama and you will probably say I am being too dramatic now but I honestly do not see a way forward for us all without me being scared of your temper and unable to relax.  I think we need to just go our separate ways.  For my own selfish reasons, I need to sort my anxiety problems and find my self esteem again, without constantly worrying about my phone ringing or the content of an email from you.

So...I will not be checking this email account anymore.  I think we all know this is what needs to be done and things have been heading this way for a long time if we are honest about it.  In your voicemails, Mum told me to f**k off and I would never hear from you again.....I came to accept that and that is how I think things should go.  

I wish you all the best in everything in the future and I hope you have some good memories of me to draw on.

Goodbye, take care."

As painful as that was to write, I felt that I was in control for the first time in my life!  I then deleted the email account and made up my mind to put them all behind me and look to my bright future with Kevin :)