I was off work for 2 months trying to get control of my anxiety and stress. I was having real trouble sleeping, regularly waking up in a panic after nightmares about dad. I was so confused, I was completely in love and for the first time in my life, I was officially 'in a relationship' and so completely loved up but at the same time, I had to suddenly start accepting how I had lived for 25 years, I had just taken things day by day and tried not to let things get to me, well now I was out, it all came flooding back.
Kevin was my hero. It was his bright outlook on life that helped me through that tough time by filling my head with positive thoughts. I was feeling so negative about myself - low self esteem and confidence and had always been made to feel that I asked for what I got....so I had to learn to like myself. How I didn't drive Kev crazy, I don't know. I relied so heavily on him for support and protection and he always gave it so willingly and lovingly. We would sit up just talking way into the wee small hours about everything that had happened and getting to know each other - we knew there was something rather special there.
Kevin had very recently come out of a 10 year relationship and had been painfully 'dumped' on new Years Eve of 2009, a few months before meeting me! He was vulnerable and was scared of getting hurt again, as was I, our vulnerabilities bought us together to form such a strong bond. With Kev's help, I started to go out again. Obviously it took quite a while before I stopped looking over my shoulder all the time or jumping at every noise but I suppose that was all to be expected. The first time I went into town, alone, I was so pleased with myself. I hadn't had a panic attack but made it there and back without any difficulty....I went from strength to strength with Kev firmly by my side!
We decided to go on a 'first date'. I know this sounds funny but since we had done everything the wrong way around, we wanted to make sure we didn't miss out on the whole dating part of a relationship which is so important.
Kev started to go to his morning meetings again. These were the times I missed him most, for some reason, I always got the flashbacks and nightmares then, maybe subconsciously I felt more vulnerable and worried in my sleep without him there. He would always come home..make sure I was OK before going downstairs to the office. I knew I had such a kind, considerate man, I had to get myself together for him! I started cooking nice dinners for us and follow Kev's advise about thinking positively everyday.
Then the day came I was dreading - I had to go back to work! I was scared. I knew my father had been there looking for me and had been phoning the ward all the time, I was terrified he would turn up as he had threatened! Although a great hospital, there was no distinct security and no alarms/bells etc on the door to the ward - he could come straight in if he wanted. The first few weeks were tough - I found it hard to concentrate and found myself watching the door in fear of him coming through it. I refused to answer the phone, I couldn't bear to hear that voice again. On the evening of my first day back at work, I got home to find a glass of wine, candles and a bath waiting for me. Kevin was doing everything he could to help me through this.
I am such a lucky girl to have found such true love. If things had been different with our lives...just slightly time wise, we may not have not. Meeting Kev was my destiny. Now I appreciate the smallest things in life, life is precious, I know how much I went through to get to happiness.
These lyrics sum up my life and how much Kev's love means to me. beautiful song....this is for you Kevin - I love you! xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment